Easy to say not so easy to do

12 a.m

It is now, bed time. A moment ago, M was asking me if this is it. Am I closing all doors to other options. I don't know. I guess M and everyone else is worried that I have not been through enough Gs to lock up the doors. I kept telling myself...This certainly is not the end yet.. not till the day i have the shiny bit on my finger. But how easy it is to say and so hard to be done and will there even be a chance for me to unlock the 'appeared close doors'. None of this make sense

Memories

Been almost 5 months since i last updated this site...

The last post was about how work sucks. Clearly, I don't have many complains since. That ONE whole week on my own was not only a great experience for me, I learnt a whole lot and definately made me stronger. I have had my bad days at work since,I still whine and complain about it BUT...i don't keep them at heart. I learn from the bad days and enjoy my good days. And trust me...my good days...are not only plain ordinary good, they are good in a Satisfying way!

So, I have been trying to make myself exercise since the weather got warmer. There are not many beautiful days in the Riverlands. In this region, we get the extreme weather. Being in the desert, we get the extreme cold and hot, the strong wind, and no rain. There will be one or two days which the weather calm and nice. Everyone has their own version of nice and beautiful days. Some say, a sunny day with 20 Degrees and cold wind is beutiful. *that's still a lil cold for me at 20 deg*. My beautiful day is...25-26 degrees.


So, I made myself go for a jog by the river after work today. With day light saving, the sun only sets at about 7.30ish. It happened to be MY BEAUTIFUL DAY. I sat by the river and enjoy the soft breeze as I hear the ducks quacking and people water skiing in the river. I see people walking their pretty dogs. There are also people enjoying this beautiful day like myself, but in the club holding a glass of beer. So, there I was trying to get a pictorial memory of the scene by the river... hoping I will remember it forever.

I remember 2 years ago, I loved going for jogs by River Torrens. At sun down when there's less people around and more black swans, Its very calm and peaceful there. I kept saying that the city is where I belong. That is very true. I cannot live in silence for long. Boredom comes into me too easily. I need excitement and people around me. I longed to move to the city again. But I will never encounter nature's beauty anymore....Well, I might..but not as close as 1 minute walk from my home. Or 20 minutes tram to the beach *Glenelg*.

Everytime, when my patients starts on a new medication, mainly antipyschotics as a result of alzheimers, I get a lil upset*wishing this will never happen to myself* Behavioural disturbances occurs secondary to Alzheimers disease. I wish I will never have Alzheimers. A pictorial memory of everything I see is what I want to keep. Cameras are not reliable.

Work sucks

Finally~! The week is coming to an end.. 3 more hours tomorrow.. then 1 day break. For the very first time, i look forward to that break. This week was not good at all for me. I was left alone to handle the pharmacy while my 2 bosses is at some tropical island enjoying their Malibu. I certainly did not have a good time at work especially with the customers.

My bosses has been 'pampering' thier customers so much that I am obliged to do the same when they aren't around. Regardless of how ridiculous it is, there is no reason what so ever to refuse customer's request. I refused Mrs. M's request for RX owing with good reasons. Provided suffecient advice to it too. She started yelling on top of her voice and scolding me for not doing her the favour when the bosses aren't around...etc etc and that my reasons for refusal wasn't good enough. I was being condemned in front of all my other customers *(waiting for thier Rx)* that my professional judegment was bad. As a pharmacist in charge, I had no reason to let her walk over me. I don't!! Plus my reasons was 100% valid! I wished i could be rude to her as she was to me but i CAN"T!!!

why can't I??

Bcoz Barmera is a super small town. Be coz my Pharmacy is the only pharmacy there. Becoz she lives in the town and ppl in the town demands what they want and gets it! Becoz my bosses have been living and running their busniess there for 23 years and i can't ruin it in 1 week!

Damn Mrs. M.

After all the yelling for god knows how long, i had to put a smiling face to everyone else who was waiting for thier Rx to be checked by me while I was being scolded. I had to smile and keep a straight mind on it and concentrate as well!

Everything else went wrong after that. there were other things which went wrong and its just too much to talk about. I hated Mrs. M. OLd bitch with no brains.

Its my job-- so i said to myself. It was only the 2nd day in the week. I couldn't wait till the end. The next few days was smooth flowing, and I managed to handle a pension thursday well too. Thank goodness for that!

I guess after tomorrow, everything will be back to normal. no more chaos.

I find myself readjusting again. Emotionally readjusting again. My Three and half years roomate/housemate moved out last weekend. Thankfully Justin was here distracting me while all the packing was done; took my mind away from the expected-lonely-thoughts. Spent my time in the city on the weekend and got home pass 12am on sunday. Which was really 'great' as i found myself really sleepy and tired the next few days in the following week. I had a so-so week at work and one of the days turned out to be the 'longest' working day ever for me. I can't believe how slow Time crawled that day!

Alright so I've gone through my first week alone in this place. Honestly i hardly have anytime to think. I see this as a chance to concentrate in what i have to do. I rearranged the things in the house...just so to make myself more comfortable. Not that I really have much furniture, just basics. I looked again... ain't much changes at all. haha

I seemed to have problems sleeping well lately. I woke up nearly every night around 4-5 am. On one of those nights i was a lil frightened; was awaken by a sound coming from the kitchen. I didn't leave my bed to investigate or anything. I couldn't get back to bed too. The next day, i got myself a broom stick!

Well, don't laugh...I had to protect myself in someways. With that, a number of my friends, collegues and my neighbour were asking if i would like another housemate. Well...for safety's sake...maybe. Otherwise..i am not sure.

Back to work again tomorrow. It feels like I live there!

After working for nearly 18 months in the countryside. I do realise some things which are quite different as to the city. Especially with older couples, when 1 dies the other will just srvive the say as how it should be. I see them walking into my pharmacy just to hand the script in one day and say they will come back the next to collect it; when they can actually collect them in 5 minutes. its understandable that ....to be continued. Have rx to do..shitz

I certainly don't feel my best now. I feel like crap. I once tasted the best fishball meehoon soup(fishball vermicelli) when i felt like this in Australia. That was quite sometime ago. That meehoon was so tasty that moment, but could taste shit when I am feeling well. It was a takeaway vermicelli. This moment when i am at my weakest and barely had the energy to make some instant noodles, I wished someone would make them for me. I have been craving for instant noodles with eggs and some meat balls with choy sum since this afternoon..

I rarely fall sick. Except for that time when i got my flu injection. I never understand why do people get them and still fall sick afterwards. That year when i got the injection, I fell sick 4 times.

Maybe it was a hang over effect. haha ** I just have to put the blame on something**

I have been thinking lately. Choices, options, Priorities...

A glamorous lifestyle but single and lonely, great money and career but single and lonely or..be with the person I cherish and care for most and disregard the two above.

Rambling

He passed his exams today. All his hard work was worth it in the end. I received his SMS and he told me he passed. I was super happy. I rang to congratulate him. I got a monotonous respond of welcome. Sounded as if I was more excited and happier than he was. I find myself inspired by him sometimes. His hardwork reminded me of mind couple of years ago. Heading to bed at 9pm and waking up at 4am to study. I can never do that anymroe now...its too difficult. That's what the years had done to me..

I should probably work harder to my aim instead of having my mind on somehting else, somewhere else, someone else all the time. THe thing is....I know myself best. I am person who is very fickle minded. I can be very easily affected by the words and people surrounding me. That's mainly because i'm worried of regrets. Always worried that the better decision would be otherwise. I know i shouldn;t feel regretful once I have made my decisions based on good grounds but still I am.

I find my views very inconsistant too. I change my views on things very quickly. Like i say...with a slight influence.. which obviously, i know is not a good habit. I hate it when that happens. I begin to wonder what sort of personality I have.

I have been feeling really down lately. I tried to be passimistic with things but it didin't work. Tried telling him too..didn't work. I guess fixing up things myself and resolving it deep within would be the best option.

Fragility

I was back in Malaysia 2 months ago and now back to reality. Back to where I should be..working and being who I want to be. My trip back home was great. Time was short and I spent as much time as I could with my family. Managed to queeze a trip to Bangkok. Our family trips had never been this fun. We have never had so much adventure to walk and shop. It was great. There were some friends which i did not manage to catch up with . I wish them well and I hope to see them as soon as I can. I know that we will all enventually loose contact. Life has to go on and everyone has to lead thier own lives. But then again, I wish otherwise.

I made up my mind as to where i want to be for the next few years. Things had been rough at home with the politiccal issues and turning back there would never bring me anywhere but to limit my desires to grow in my career. My trip back didn't just bring me fun and made my mind clearer. I realised how fragile life was. Many relatives aged and 2 years felt like 10 years to them. They aged so much, so frail...i couldn't believe it.

Today, Customer XX passed away. I felt deeply moved by it. XX died suddenly at a gathering with friends apparently. He did have some heart problems but was well controled by medications. This day, four years ago...was also the day grand dad left us. I remembered I was having fun at a camp when he was critical in the hospital. I visited him before i left for camp and never spoke to him after that ever again. He progessively got worse in 1 week and left after that. I still remembered the last few words he spoke to me. Somehow when I heard what he said to me.. it remained in my memory. I knew..someday I would want to remember it.

He too, Left suddenly...without any warning. He wasn't taking as much medications as XX did. But everything happened so quickly like as if all parts of his organs started to shut one by one... I still think of him now and then...